-----

im sorry this is long. its aggrivating.

2006-08-24T07:09:58Z

I just woke up from sleeping and was laying in bed
and looked at my wall
and realized how frustrated i am with my muse.
maybe it died.

I've recently lost my love for art.
Nothing is original anymore.
not even my own.
i started a painting the size of my wall on a bedsheet,
and i cant even muster up the courage to finish it.
its just sitting there
half done
hanging on my wall.
and all i want to do is rip it apart.
Everything is so unappreciated.
If i actually paint something amazing
only a handfull of people actually understand it,
or like it.
and if they dont, they wont tell me.
I hate showing anybody anything i do,
I dont even like keeping it.
and if i give it away and see it later- i want it back so i can throw it away.

I just dont put my heart into it anymore like i used to,
i want to and i try.
but i dont think its just something i can force myself to do,
then i end up hating it more.
I used to loooove taking pictures,
photographing people.
im not even sure if thats something i enjoy anymore.
its so common now that most of the stuff that people actually work at getting perfect,
without using photoshop,
without having a tight ass camera,
goes unnoticed.
no one is grateful.

I know art is about expressing yourself,
doing it for yourself.
but i just cant express myself anymore.
I have like 7 notebooks full of writings from the past 3 years.
now.. i cant write anything.
and when i read/look at anyone else's self-expression.
i get jealous (if it's good).

maybe its just something im not suppose to do anymore?
maybe im just too concerned with other things in life to appreciate it myself.
life is about speed
get it done.
fast.
whatever it is,
make it fast.
and people are so busy with keeping themselves busy
so busy with concerning themselves with other peoples lives,
and fighting,
and wasting time.
it just gets lost somewhere.
i dont know.
im rambling,
maybe i should be painting instead?

i'm pretty sure the beauty in most people is dead
and im sick of wasting time.

le_popsicle @ 2006-06-17T03:12:00

2006-06-17T07:35:02Z

a brief description:

It's almost everything that had always been around. but no one noticed it. Everything that somehow just got lost and no one bothered to go looking for because they never noticed it was there in the first place. because of that: it ended up killing everything you thought you had a good grip on. every part of your life that you took for granted just disappeared. Almost as if it was eaten by some infimate black abyss that was just sitting in your backyard waiting for the scraps. you forgot it just as easily.

somewhere between writing down names and numbers for when you get upset and need someone to spill every last detail about how your wife cheated on you with every man that crossed paths with her flaming hair and scribbling around the outer edge of the piece of paper delaying the phone call longer and longer because you cant seem to draw the turtle the correct way you want it to look. thats when you forgot how to move, but you just wanted to keep drawing and delaying with not even one thought to the fact your life was being sucked away by sparky the giant abyss. I'm sorry you killed off everything you ever wanted to hold on to. even the alcohol didnt want your kisses anymore. or maybe it was your stomach that couldnt take it anymore.

Those last few steps before you got to the door was spent debating how hard you should knock. Each decision crucial to the next move. knocking too light couldve indicated you were ok. (but everyone knew you werent) The result from knocking too hard is obvious to anyone what is going through you head. When you arrived at the door, all that thinking was pointless because you cowardly turned away and got into your car and left, only to rightfully prove what everyone thought about you in the first place. but obviously this story isnt about knocking on a door in the least bit.

ally.

le_popsicle @ 2006-05-22T16:40:00

2006-05-22T20:42:45Z

when i wrote that entry i was really pissed off.
this entry is not to say sorry and to rekindle what i fucked up,
i dont want that.

i want you to know why i cant be around that stuff.

exhibit a: if you didnt understand an entry i posted awhile ago [the story i wrote], than i'll explain. My dad is an alcoholic. I never knew till I was 13 years old, when he went back out and left us for like a week. and would do so for months. He goes to AA, but never seems to get better, and around 3 months of him being sober, he'll go out- take all our money and my mom and i will be left with nothing. not only does he drink, he is addicted to crack and cocaine. last month my dad decided to go out drinking and also decided to take my car along with him. Only to return home with no car. He had sold it to get more money, most likely because he spent all he stole from us. We finally got my car back, along with a new hoodie and some shitty rap cds. but almost every cd i had was gone. they left about... 5 of them. thats not the only i have had turn up missing from my dad. He's stolen my tv and my dvd player, a camera, and a laptop. so as you can imagine- i have enough alcohol and drug abuse in my life already and i dont neccassarily need anymore in it. I have enough to worry about at home. like my mom and when our house is going to be taken away, or when the power is going to shut off next. Im tired of dealing with all this shit, but as far as i know- it's not going away anytime soon and it wont do any good for me to go out and get drunk will it? Then who would help my mom? no one. so obviously, i have a lot more obligations at home that a lot of you realize. so im sorry if you think it's just good time- but to me it's a lot more than that.

exhibit b: I have had my fair share of doing stupid shit in my life as well. A lot stupider than most of you know, but im not going to go into detail because quiet frankly, it's none of your business. After getting caught multiple times i decided it was time to grow up and actually do something with my life. I broke ties with everyone i knew who brought me down, everyone who got me into the shit i didnt want to do anymore. I quit hanging out with them, i stopped going to school to get my shit straight, and i quit going to parties. Eventually i got a lot better and i made some friends. During the time i was being stupid as fuck, i went to a party [1 out of the 4 parties i've been too] and got raped. and as horrible as it may sound- sometimes you have to have nasty shit happen to you to realize what you're doing. and it did.

exhibit c: I care about people way too much. I'm not mad because you guys are out drinking, being whores, doing drugs. im mad because you say you know what you're doing, but ultimately- you dont. Do you honestly think my dad thought when he was younger drinking that he would grow up to be like that? uh... doubt it. He just thought he was a kid having a good time. but it doesnt always end up like that. people make mistakes. I have lost way too many people because of alcohol and about 2 years ago, i lost a very good friend of mine because he decided to get drunk and drive. and sure- you wont do that. you know better. But half the shit you guys do- you dont even remember in the morning! so how do you expect to be able to make that decision? sorry, but you wont. When you are drunk, you arent like.. oh, this is a good decision, i'll give someone my keys so i dont drive. or- I wont make out with her because i have a girlfriend. Not only are you endangering your life- but people around you. and personally, I dont want to be killed because of some pathetic decision you decided to make. I hate the fact that i have friends getting drunk and doing drugs and i cant do anything about it. I want to help you. but you think it's no big deal. it's just for fun. so it's your choice. but i've spent a lot of my life getting my shit straight, staying away from the shit that will get me in trouble and im not about to throw it all away. I dont want to hide my problems by getting drunk/high. I'd rather face mine and figure it out because i dont want to live like that. Its not my decision to decide how you will live- that's yours. but i can decide how i want to live and who i want to associate with and who i think will better my life. and im sorry if i dont think you are one of them. I cant spend all my time worrying about whether or not you are goign to die of alcohol poisoning or get into a car accident and kill yourself or someone else. It does happen. I've seen it. I cant do this to myself. I've done it before and i nearly has a mental breakdown because i was so scared for people and i thought i had to be the person to protect them. but i cant. not anymore. im sorry.

le_popsicle @ 2006-05-21T23:42:00

2006-05-22T03:55:05Z

such a waste.

le_popsicle @ 2006-04-20T22:50:00

2006-04-21T02:51:28Z

for people wanting to read my journal:

read this first please

everyone needs a disclaimer.

le_popsicle @ 2006-04-11T22:45:00

2006-04-12T03:08:46Z

"the sequence in which a home- turns into a residence."

home.

n. An environment offering security and happiness.

I was sitting in my room with the reoccuring sound of silence that I heard quiet frequently lately. At age 13, you never know what to make of silence though. My sister was sitting on the floor and every once and awhile would start to sing to herself. then stop. sing. stop. She was in Highschool and she was probably my biggest hero. her clothes. her hair. her friends. but when you have a 13 year old sister, the last thing you want to do is drag her around with you. (i dont think she knew how i felt and still doesnt). Its one of those things you never tell someone until they're about gone. Not to mention she was the only thing i had going for me.

"come on girls, we're going out." -mother.

Dad was never home anymore and no one ever told us why. We would go to 'surprise him at work' and it was the usual response everytime. he's just out to lunch. he'll be home soon. I never said anything. you're never suppose to. I just kept my eyes focused on trying to figure out how my older sister could stare out the window without her eyes moving with the scenery. (the trick was to stare at a dirt spot on the window. genius.)

we arrived... 'home' without even getting to any destination. just driving. and driving. for what seemed like a forever. i hated car rides, they made me sick. and nevertheless, everytime dad was at lunch, we drove, and drove. and drove.

residence.

n. The place in which one lives; a dwelling.

"honey, i know. im sorry. i wont do it again. im going to get help. im tired of hurting you and the kids. you dont deserve this" - 4 year ago dad.
Im almost positive he said that after he sold the first thing, but not the last thing, to get money.
cameras. cars. tvs. clothes. he would've sold himself if he wasnt such a piece of shit.

sooner of later that home became a residence. one of which that still stands. and leaves. and sells.
"honey, i know. im sorry. i wont do it again. im going to get help. im tired of hurting you and the kids. you dont deserve this" - 4 year later dad.
the only apology he ever gave was to mom. im still waiting.

i live with falling pianos.

le_popsicle @ 2006-03-17T11:36:00

2006-03-17T16:41:30Z

STOP STEALING MY FRIENDS YOU PIECES OF SHIT.

why do you think I stopped hanging in eastgate so much?!?
why do you think i go out and meet new people.
because im sick of you guys.
and every goddamn I get a chance to stop hanging out in eastgate
and go somewhere else...

oh guess what happens.
you son of a bitches decide to BRING THEM TO EASTGATE
and meet everyone.

well fuck off.
Im so sick of everyone's goddamn shit.
what is it this week?
someone OD on fucking crack?
someone who's too brutal for themselves threatened to kick someone's ass,
WHICH THEY WILL NEVER FUCKING DO.

Get your own goddamn life and please stop stealing mine.

Ouch, I bet that hurt.

2005-08-11T21:35:33Z

Sorry